Adoption?

In September, I found out that I have pretty much complete tubal blockage - resulting in the fact that we will not be able to conceive naturally. As I've mentioned, we're going to try invtero in May, but our doctor has also been pushing adoption. I have a much harder time thinking about adopting a child than I do having a test tube baby. Until recently, I haven't even really thought about having to adopt. I do understan why the doctor is pushing it...she's trying to game the system. She knows having a family is important to us and wants to make sure we have a chance to before we're in our 40s. But to raising someone else's baby? That's a much harder pill to swallow. My husband has actually been much more open with his feelings about it than I have. He has admitted that he doesn't know if he could love a baby that is not his own - which I know isn't true. We have a dog that he worships, and that's a dog! Ha! But I haven't even thought about myself.

Initially, I was ignoring the adoption option. However, it hit me recently that it might be our best option. So, I have finally reached out to a few of the adoption experts that have been recommended to me. And it as such a strange experience. I felt like I was making a call to buy a baby...which is basically what I was doing. It was such a surreal experience. It felt like something out of Defending Your Life the early 90s movie basically about purgatory and looking at the decisions you've made throughout your life to determine if you could move on to heaven or have to go back to Earth to try it again. Basically - it was something extremely personal that you would never think you would have to do.

The good news is that now I'm more open to the option. The hubby still isn't, but its something to look into. And the GREAT news is - we're signing a contract to build a house tomorrow!! Ha!! :)

Snowmagedon

Today we got the worst snow storm our area has seen in over a decade. The best part: no work AGAIN tomorrow! Woohoo! I LOVE my job and I'm actually swamped at work, but its nice to get to work from home and be a little more relaxed.

After my freak out the other night, things have been a lot more calm in terms of the reproductive stuff. I spoke with the insurance company and it looks like most of it is going to be covered. Another WOOHOO!! I feel so very blessed that I found such an incredible job and that they value family enough to cover the majority of invetro.

The scarest thing that I learned when speaking with the insurance company is that I only get 4 shots at it and this was news to me. Apparently, I don't know if it was a limit set by insurance agencies or the medical profession, but in your entire lifetime, you only get 4 chances at conceiving through invetro. The insurance woman mentioned that Fertility Clinics usually start with less invasive and easier methods to try to increase the chances of conception. However, I already know we're past that. My tubes have virtually a complete blockage so no ammount of hormone therapy will change that part of it. So we're starting at the top, with the most invasive, expensive, and last alternative - which is definitely a little scary, but I feel very good about it.

I also heard today on the radio, that patients who were entertained by a hospital clown (which, honestly, a hospital clown? Does that seem a little strange to you?) had a higher success rate with invetro than did those who were not. I've always known laughter is the best medicine and luckily, that's my favorite thing to do with my husband - laugh.

Here we go...

I found out 4 months ago that I will not be able to conceive a child naturally, because I have total blockage of my tubes. And I have been trying to start this blog since then. I’ve got so many thoughts and feelings that I feel like I just need to get them out. But something has stopped me, first, I couldn’t come up with a name for my blog. Then, once I did, “Sew Babies,” my husband thought it was a ridiculous name. So I was stuck again. And now, tonight after filling out the paperwork for my first appointment at the fertility clinic, none of that seems to matter and I just need to get it out. I was almost stuck again, because I thought you’d need the whole story, which you’ll get, just not now.

Here we go. The process has started. I made an appointment to start invetro. My husband and I filled out the paperwork of all the personal details from our sexual habits, including a detailed history of menstrual cycles and descending testis, to family medical history. Luckily, we didn’t fill the entire thing out together – just his portion, which was uncomfortable enough, especially at bed time. And the question that made me the most uncomfortable and nervous was along the lines of “What is your level of stress at being infertile?” Well, as I was filling out the very medical paperwork, I wasn’t really thinking of it in terms of, “Oh my god. We may never have children.” Nor was I thinking of it in terms of “I really hope this works.” I was just filling out paperwork. And now, it has really hit me.

Invetro is a major undertaking. Not just in terms of what it will do to my body (which I haven’t even begun to process that), but emotionally. And now I’m even starting to think, do we really want children? We are in that phase in life when all of our friends are starting to have kids. And we are getting to see first-hand, how difficult it really is and to be totally honest, we have a really great life and we’re both a little worried about disrupting that. What if we don’t want to have kids? What if we DON’T have kids?

But then I look at my husband and see what a great little league coach he would be, how protective of his daughter’s dates (if he could handle that at all. Ha!), and how wonderful a family would be. I look at my mom and grandmother and I – the 3 of us are pretty much clones of one another. We look so similar that we are stopped in public. We act so similar, its scary – right down to our same little neurosis! (As much as I am like my mother, I am even more like my grandmother, which is why Mom and I get into it. I couldn’t imagine being sandwiched by your mother. Ha!!) And it scares me that I will never have a “mini-me.” And if we do have a daughter through adoption (which is another chapter in this saga that I’ll get into later) will she be like us too? And what if she isn’t?

And its funny that I’ve been so worried about my fictional daughter, because I’ve always thought I’d have more boys. We even have all of our children’s names picked out: Joseph Thomas (we’ll call him JT), Mitchell (Mitch and we’re still working on a middle name, luckily, we have time), and Guiliana Belle (definitely NOT from the Guiliana on TV – I can’t even watch her show, but I love the name and it’s a family name and we’ll call her Jules).

It really comes in waves. I won’t think about it for days and then I find out that a friend, who already has multiple children is pregnant again. And I think, really?! Is that necessary? Is that even fair? Especially the ones who don’t have enough money or time to take care of the ones they’ve already got. I’ll see mother’s walking down the street with the stroller and think “How is that everyone in the world can reproduce except for me?” But then, when we’re out in a restaurant with a screaming baby or fighting kids and I think, “Thank god that’s not us.” And I wonder if I’m even ready for this.

When we first got engaged, my husband would talk about how much he wanted children as soon as we got married. I was just finishing my MBA and looking for my dream job (which I finally got a few months ago) and was NOT interested in having kids right away. But when I found out I couldn’t, overnight my priorities changed. I was terrified that if we didn’t do it now, we would never be able to. But thanks to insurance (I’m writing this with a sarcastic tone) and the tanking market, I had to wait and the waiting, at first, was very difficult. It almost panicked me that we couldn’t deal with it immediately. But then I got my great new job, we’re looking for a new house, and the baby issue wasn’t one I was really concerned about for a few months. I was just going through the motions.

I can tell complete strangers, “Yes, I cannot have children naturally.” But really talk about it with my friends or family? That’s the hard part. I had some pretty hard years in college and some of that came rushing back. I can talk to people about looking into adoption, but actually pick up the phone to get that process started too, not really possible for me right now. (And since I’ve mentioned adoption twice now, I should say that my doctor is pushing me to look into it, really more to just be prepared and on a list if invetro doesn’t work, so that we’ve already got that process going, rather than having to wait another 5-7 years to get a child. I’m having a much harder time processing that we may have to adopt, if we want a family, than I am about giving myself a shot everyday.)

My husband does not easily share his feelings or emotions, but I feel like he is handling and processing this much better than me. He admitted, in front of close friends, that he is not sure if he could love someone else’s child as much. And I can’t even think about that. He, however, has been much more vocal about being unsure if kids should even be a part of our lives and I can’t even think about that option, really, either. Although, I am selfish and spoiled and like to buy things for myself, but I’m sure that will get old (not to mention it is no where near actually fulfilling).

Not being able to have children has always been my biggest fear. I have always had problems with my cycle – which now actually ticks me off. Even though my gyno is the same doctor that delivered me and my brother and is a very close friend of the family, it almost feels like she just put me on birth control because that was easier to handle the problem than to actually find out what was wrong. I have been infertile my entire life and knew it deep down. But really, what could she have done for a 14 year old?

So no, Mr. Fertility Clinic paperwork writer, I’m not stressed. I’m scared.